The Holidays Don’t Have to Be Picture Perfect

What images do you carry in your head of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years? Picture perfect holiday celebrations with decorations that belong on a magazine cover, the perfect gifts, twinkle lights, Christmas carols playing in the background, and beautiful smiling faces all around?

After all, it’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Except . . . when it isn’t.

For so many, the holiday season is a time of stress and overwhelm. Or a time when grief, loneliness or past traumas are felt that much more keenly.

I’ve been pondering this over the past few days, thinking of those around me who are hurting or for whom the holidays might be especially difficult this year. I think these images we carry in our heads of the perfect holiday scene can cause so much unnecessary stress and grief. So I’ve written a list of a few ideas that I hope will help you, or someone you care for who might be struggling this holiday season.

1. Change your Expectations of the “Perfect” Holiday

So many of us live in a state of constant stress and overwhelm, with more on our plates than we think we can handle. And then you add all of the “extras” of the holidays . . . the planning, parties and shopping, the cooking, baking, decorating and gift-wrapping, the Christmas programs and events and family gatherings. And then add on our self-imposed expectations that everything about the season should be picture perfect and magical. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Why on earth do we do this to ourselves?

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a recovering perfectionist. For many years I was guilty of putting enormous pressure on myself to create the perfect, magical holiday (or vacation or birthday celebration) for my family. But honestly, my efforts to make sure everything was “perfect” just put a ridiculous amount of unnecessary stress on me (which spilled over to my loved ones), caused anxiety and prevented me from really being present and enjoying them or the occasion.

I’m learning to let go of my expectations of the “perfect” holiday (which lets face it, doesn’t exist) and delight in the spontaneous, messy, imperfection of it all. I choose carefully and spend my time on the things that are really important to us and make our celebrations meaningful. Things that are in theory “for” my family but take precious time that could be better spent with them, or that increase my stress and take away from my peace and joy, no longer make the cut. And as a result,  I get to soak up and really appreciate more of those special and meaningful moments.

Will you do something for me right now? Make a commitment to yourself that you will lower your expectations around your holidays.

There is no picture perfect holiday.

YOU get to choose whether you want to live in stress and overwhelm, or whether you want to accept the messy imperfection that is our human experience and enjoy every minute of it. It really is that simple.

2. Give yourself the gift of Silence, Solitude and Reflection

I think one of the critical things we’ve lost in this go-go-go world we live in is the ability to tune into ourselves and be mindful of whatever it is that we truly need at any given time. During this hectic time of year, even more than usual, we need time to enjoy silence and solitude.

Amidst all of the planning, shopping, cooking, baking and parties—give yourself the gift of time and space to just BE. To breath. To sit in gratitude. To pray. To reflect on the true meaning of the season. To take inventory of how you feel and what you need—physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To reflect on what is going well, what you could be doing better and how you could better care for yourself and those around you. To think about what will truly make your holidays meaningful and memorable. I suspect you’ll discover it’s not in having the perfect decorations, parties and gifts, but in the intangibles.

3. Find Joy in the Present Moment

Another critical thing I think we’ve lost in this fast-paced world we live in is the ability to be present in our lives and find joy in all of the small moments life has to offer.

If you participated in Five Days of Mindfulness in my private Facebook community in October, we talked about living in the NOW rather than in the past (with too much focus on frustration, anger, resentment, hurt or disappointment over things that happened in the past) or in the future (with too much planning, worry, anxiety or fear about things that may or may not happen in the future).

When we focus our attention on what we’re doing or the precious people we’re with RIGHT NOW, looking for the beauty, joy and gratitude in the moment we’re experiencing right now–we drastically reduce our self-imposed stress and drastically increase our enjoyment of life.

4. Allow Yourself to Feel All the Feelings

I recently heard psychologist Marissa Peer say, “Feel the feelings until they no longer require to be felt.” If you’re grieving because of a loss, illness, broken relationship, infertility or a not yet answered prayer. Or if you’re feeling alone because of distance from loved ones or a lack of genuine connection in your life—allow yourself to acknowledge and sit with those feelings. Please don’t “stuff” feelings away because they seem negative or you think you shouldn’t be feeling them at such a festive time of year. I personally don’t believe any feeling is negative. All feelings are valid if they’re how you feel. And avoiding your feelings or stuffing them deep down inside so you don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable, difficult or painful ones does far more harm than good.

Marissa Peer also says, “Feelings are like gas, they’re much more painful when you keep them in.” Allow yourself to express how you feel out loud, to yourself or someone you trust. Don’t hang on to those gray feelings forever; there is a whole rainbow of amazing feelings out there just waiting to be felt. And don’t use them as an excuse to behave in harmful or hurtful ways. But acknowledge them. Let them out. And then figure out what you need to do to reframe those feelings in a more positive light, to process and heal from the things that are causing you pain or to move forward from the things that are keeping you stuck in a place you don’t want to be.

5. Cultivate Connection

One of the best ways to heal from the things that are causing you pain is by cultivating connections with those around you.

If you feel alone or disconnected—first just know you’re not the only one. We live in a world where disconnection is reaching epidemic proportions and true authentic connection often feels so rare. And yet we long for it because we are wired for relationship–for real, live human contact and connection. We need love, connection, empathy and support as much as we need air and food.

In her book The Upside of Stress, health psychologist Kelly McGonigal talks about a positive stress response she calls the “tend and befriend” response. This is the stress response that causes us to call a friend to talk when we’re feeling stressed or to reach out for a hug. Both of these activities release oxytocin in the brain, which helps us to feel less anxious or stressed and strengthens our bonds with others. These activities also increase our production of DHEA, a stress hormone that helps us to recover from a stressful situation more quickly and to learn from it.

Connection is SO important. And in times of grief or stress it is even more important. Experts on trauma believe that whether we have “attunement”—completely non-judgmental, agenda-less support from someone who is present to hold space for us, listen and share in our emotions—is one of the key factors in whether we recover and move on from a painful, frightening or difficult experience OR it becomes embedded in our brain as trauma and we then struggle with symptoms of PTSD or complex trauma.

If you are struggling, allow yourself to be vulnerable and seek out the support you need. Call a friend to talk, or better yet to meet in person for coffee or lunch. Tell the people around you when you need a hug. Spend time doing activities with friends and family that promote laughter and connection. If you don’t have anyone to call or to ask for a hug, get out and find your people. Join a church or social club or start volunteering for an organization you care about.

And of course, the converse of this is equally important. If there are people in your life who you know are lonely and hurting or struggling for any reason–reach out to them. Provide that attunement and connection they so desperately need. And in doing so you will help them to engage their own tend and befriend stress response.

The picture perfect holiday doesn’t really exist–and thats ok! Lets give ourselves some grace this holiday season. Let’s lower the pressure on ourselves, stress less and connect more.

Kristi